The Smudge - No. 1

t was Fred's first day in geometry class. He knew it was going to be hard, but he never thought it would hurt. When the teacher assigned the first homework assignment, he felt uncomfortable.

"Complete pages 32-33 in your text book, problems 1-24," she said.

He protested. "Why?"

"Because that's your homework assignment, that's why. Now shut up and let me file my nails."

He brought his book home and planned to do his homework that night. When the time came, he put it off. "I'll do it in the morning," he said to himself.

The next morning, his alarm clock failed to go off. He arrived to class half an hour late.

"Where is your homework?" asked the teacher.

"My dog ate it."

"So you wanna be smart, huh? Okay, tonight I want you to do pages 34-45, or else you'll fail the class."

That night when he came home, he decided to just get it over with.

As he opened the book, he felt a small twinge of pain between his shoulder blades. As he set his pencil on the paper, the pain increased. He began writing and suddenly he was screaming in agony, wailing as if he were dying. His mother came running.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"Geometry hurts," he said.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. Now shut up and do your homework and let me file my nails."

He attempted to resume his homework. This time both his mother and father came running. "Do you think we ought to take him to a doctor?" his father asked.

"Yes," said his mother. "I can file my nails on the way."

At the doctor's office, the nurse at the desk asked, "What's the problem?"

"Geometry hurts," said Fred.

"Excuse me?" said the nurse.

His mother broke in. "He starts screaming in agony every time he tries to do his geometry homework."

"I'll get the doctor," said the nurse.

3 hours later, she returned with the doctor.

"What's wrong with the boy?" he asked.

"Geomtry hurts," said Fred.

"Excuse me?" said the doctor.

His mother broke in. "He starts screaming in agony every time he tries to do his geometry homework."

The doctor started to laugh. "What are you people stupid, or do you just like to waste people's time? Who would bring their kid to the doctor for something as silly as that?"

Fred's doctor protested. "What the hell kind of thing is that to say? He's a patient! We came to you for help, for God's sake."

"Well, okay. I guess I'll run some tests..."

"Do you have a waiting room?" asked Fred's mother. "I'd like to file my nails..."

"Down the hall," said the nurse.

An hour later the nurse told Fred's parents to enter the examination room. "Just a minute," said Fred's mother. "I'm filing my nails..."

A couple of minutes later, they entered the examination room. "What's wrong with him?" asked Fred's father.

"I'm not sure," said the doctor. "Apparently he experiences quite a lot of pain when he tries to do geomtry problems. It's quite odd... it only happens particularly with geometry... All I can suggest is that he switch to another class."

"We'll have him do that," said Fred's mother, filing her nails.

"I'm going to call some medical journals," said the doctor. "I may have discovered a new malady."

In the months that followed, Fred's face was featured on all the medicine magazines and journals in the country. He was famous. He did TV commercials and became rich. He bought his parents presents; a new car for dad, new custom nail files for Mom.

And every night, he prayed that no one would find out he was faking.