The Smudge - No. 1

r. Robert Skalpel, Medical Examiner and leading pathologist, was preparing some tissue samples. "Almost done with the Smith autopsy, Skalp?" asked his assistant Sam Hondo as he entered the toxicology lab.

"Just about. I'm doing a hair analysis right now," said Skalpel, placing the slides he had just made underneath the microscope. "I want to find out whether or not he had ringworm."

"Ringworm? What does that have to do with the cause of death?" asked Sam.

"I'm trying to find out about his basic health."

"Yes, but what does ringworm have to do with the cause of death? And just why are you worried about his basic health?"

"It will give me clues to his personal hygiene."

"And why do you want to know about his personal hygiene?"

"So I can bring it up in court."

"Forget it, you're impossible!" said Sam as he exited the lab. Skalpel continued examining the hair samples.

His boss, Dr. Markham Forceps, head of Forensic Medicine, entered the lab. "All ready for the trial on Friday, Skalp?" he asked, straightening his immaculately groomed hair.

"Yes, I'm preparing right now. I have some of the victim's hair slides under the scope right now."

"Hair slides? Why hair slides?" asked Forceps.

"I'm trying to find out about his basic health."

"Yes, but what does that have to do with the cause of death? And just why are you worried about his basic health?"

"It will give me clues to his personal hygiene."

"And why do you want to know about his personal hygiene?" asked Forceps, combing his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Forget it, you're impossible," said Forceps. "How do you think we'll do in court? Have you proved conclusively that the cause of death was murder?"

"Oh, I haven't gotten around to that yet," said Skalpel.

"What? What have you been doing all this time?"

"Taking hair samples."

"Forget it, you're impossible!" said Forceps, adjusting his immaculately groomed collar. "Just as long as you have a case prepared by the day of the trial, which is Friday."

"Don't worry. After I do his hair, I'm going to hit his figernails," said Skalpel, changing a slide. Forceps shook his head and walked out.

Suddenly Skalpel looked up from his sldes. "Sam, come quick! It's an emergency!"

Sam burst in through the door, and tripped. He fell into a rack of chemicals. Broken glass filled the air and a loud crash was heard as countless vials of chemicals were shattered, spilling their contents out over the floor. "My God, what is it?" asked Sam.

"Scratch my back, will you? I'd do it, but I'm busy."

Sam rose from the floor shaking off chemicals and broken glass, and, disregarding his many cuts and lacerations, began scratching Skalpel's back.

"Little to the right," said Skalpel, and continued to examine his slides. Sam continued to scratch as he stood there and bled to death. When he collapsed upon the floor, Skalpel looked around, surprised.

"Hmmm, I'll have to get another assistant," he muttered, and walked over to the corpse he was performing the autopsy on and began to clip off fingrnail samples.

Later, as he walked out of the the toxicology lab, he found several reporters milling about. They were talking to Forceps about the murder trial on Friday.

"Say, Dr. Forceps, is it true that Dr. Skalpel's autopsy will be the testimony that tells whether the defendant is guilty or innocent on the charge of murder?" asked a reporter.

"Why, there's Dr. Skalpel right there," said Forceps. "You can ask him yourself. He just happens to be our leading pathologist. in fact, he may be the best damn pathologist in the whole country!"

"Dr. Skalpel?" said a reporter, "is it true that your autopsy report will determine innocence or guilt?"

"It is not a question of innocence or guilt," said Skalpel. "It is a question of personal hygiene. I feel that good personal hygiene is important to good health. I brush my teeth once a week, you know. And gee, I can still remember the last time I took a shower!"

"You mean you don't wash every time you open a body?" asked a reporter.

"What's the use? All my patients are already dead. I only perform autopsies."

"But what does all this have to do with the cause of death?" asked another.

"Well, it's all very complicated. I'm saving it until the trial on Friday," said Skalpel. "Now, if you don;t mind, I'm sure Dr. Forceps would like to answer any further questions. I'd like to leave now."

"Yes, I'll answer some more questions," said Dr. Forceps, straightening his immaculately groomed hair.

That night, as Skalpel was approaching his front door, a black limousine cruised by, spilling forth a huge barrage of bullets. After it the shooting was over, Skalpel yelled, "My God, I think they might be trying to kill me! They must have guessed I'm close to the truth!"

Then the car stopped. When they saw who they were shooting at, one of the men got out and walked over to Skalpel. "Gee, I'm sorry sir," he said. "It's lucky you weren't hurt. We thought you were someone else. Hope you'll forgive us."

"Not problem at all," said Skalpel. "I understand." The man got back into the car and left, and Skalpel entered his bullet-ridden house.

Within days, it was Friday, the day of the trial. As Forceps entered the court room he looked apprehensively towards Skalpel. "Do you have your case prepared, Dr. Skalpel?"

"Yes I do," said Skalpel. "Did you know that Smith, the victim, has terrible personal hygiene? I wonder what the jury will have to say about that."

"Yes, but what does this have to do with the cause of death? All you had to do was take a simple toxicolgy sample of his cells to see if there was any evidence of disease in his system. Now, did you do that?"

"No," said Skalpel. "I was too busy."

"Doing what?" asked Forceps.

"Finding out about his personal hygiene," said Skalpel.

"Forget it, you're impossible," said Forceps, combing his immaculately groomed mustache. He walked over to his seat.

The judge rapped his gavel and brought the court to order. The trila got underway, with the defense calling its first witness to the stand.

"I call to the stand," said the defendant's lawyer, "Dr. Carlyle P. Hemostat, who also examined tissue samples from Smith's body. He is a registered patholgist in his own right, regarded even more highly than Dr. Skalpel." Dr. Hemostat took the stand and gave the oath.

"Mr. Hemostat," said the lawyer, "what information about Smith's death have you gained from examining your tissue samples? Can it prove that Mr. Smith was dead before the bullets ever hit the body and that the defendant, Lug Nutt, is innocent of the crime?"

"Yes, it can." said Dr. Hemostat.

"Your witness," said the lawyer, who then went and sat down next to the defendant, reassuring him.

Skalpel rose and approached the stand. "Dr. Hemostat. I know you are regarded as one of the top patholgists in the country, but you did not even stop to consider Smith's basic health?"

"What?"

"And did you know that his basic health is directly related to his personal hygiene? This can be represented i the simple algebraical formula H x H = C (Health x Hygiene = Constant). Allow me to demonstrate on this blackboard." He wrote out the formula.

"Now whatever we put in for health, we cross multiply with a directly proportional hygiene factor, and the equation will give us a relative constant. Now, with these slides of hair and fingernails, I can illustrate my point in a relatively simple fashion.'

He turned down the lights and began showing the slides. The first slide showed him and several hula girls on a beach in Hawaii. "Oops," he said, "those are my vacation slides." He put in the correct slide.

"Now, looking at these slides you can get a relatively good idea of his personal hygiene. Insert those factors into the formula I've shown you, divide by the number of bullets fired minus the number of bullets that missed the body, plus the square root of the defendants, and, always remembering to use significant figures, you come up with a relatively average constant which proves conclusively that the bullets killed Mr. Smith, and that the defendant, Lug Nutt, is indeed guilty of murder. There is no way you can refute my evidence."

The verdict was "guilty" because Dr. Hemostat couldn't refute the evidence. He didn't even know what the hell Skalpel was talking about. The crowd rushed up to congtratulate Skalpel on his brilliant victory as Forceps tucked in his immaculately groomed collar and rushed off to chat with reporters.

"Of course he had Dr. Hemostat puzzled," Forceps told the reporters. "Sometimes I don't think he himself knows what the hell he's talking about."